addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
