Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
