I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
