do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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