I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
