Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
