he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
