i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
