Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
