I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dicks are not precious.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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