So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Your topless pictures make me question reality
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
