Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
