the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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