Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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