Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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