At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
we're so committed to being not committed
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
