that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
