I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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