DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
