if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
