I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
