Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
