Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
