We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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