$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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