remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
