He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize