The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
