my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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