Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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