So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
