I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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