A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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