Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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