His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
