Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
