You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
