I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
