Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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