I have demons in me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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