you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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