everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
