Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
