I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
