my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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