the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
