that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
