My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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