as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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