I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
