With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
