How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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