you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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