Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
