I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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