watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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