if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
